I have recently come to the very simple conclusion that walking on foot is for chumps. For example, walking to the Friend Center Tuesday and Thursday mornings for a 10:00 AM computer science lecture is entirely unreasonable, when said walk has to be made in less than 10 minutes because of an overpowering desire to ingest some food items in the morning that consequently leaves me not much more than that amount of time for walking. Likewise, in order to maintain a healthy record of promptness, when the aforementioned lecture ends on time at 10:50 AM I am forced into making another long pilgrimage across campus, to Fine Hall for a deceptively simple-looking number theory class at 11:00 AM. Of course, computer scientists rarely like to end lectures on time, what with being the cool, crazy programming muthafuckas that we are.
Henceforcewith, I deduced that a simple, two-wheeled mechanism might be invested in, in order to more easily accomodate my transportational needs. Inquiries were made at various reputable shops around the township of Princeton; however, these shopkeeps were entirely unreasonable, demanding a minimum of $260 for the most base of these new-fangled "bicycles." Thusly was I coerced into joining that most hated of fraternities of men upon this earth, the brotherhood of those who cannot avoid the ever-present darkness that is Walmart.
Possessing no adequate means of transport at that point in time, I sought out the services of a driver of these new, miraculous horseless carriages. A most unscrupulous character thus baited me into his mechanized monster, who immediately proceeded to shamelessly fleece me for the princely sum of $15 for transport to the nearest (oh how my very soul shudders when I contemplate this-- this abomination) Walmart. So brazen was he that when I finally arrived at my destination, he demanded what in his native tongue he called a "tip." This I take to mean in proper English, "ransom."
Nonetheless, I was arrived at the one location left to me in this strange country wherefore I might acquire a "bicycle." It however being not the most opportune of times for such a purchase, a clerk in the store who looked to be of Jamaican descent, kindly informed me that the most affordable wares had long been dispensed to buyers less tardy and more attentive than myself. I was thus left with the uncomfortable yet necessary decision to purchase a more gentlemanly-priced model, in hopes that such a hefty investment might prove futurely rewarding in terms of quality and ease of maintenance.
When I proceeded to mount my new steed and direct myself homeward, I found the thoroughfare that the knave of a driver had chosen to transport me on proved too constricted to allow passage of an inexperienced rider such as myself. Concisely put, the way was too dangerous a route to be forayed into, given that it allowed passage of only one lane of vehicles in either direction. I considered this a final insult from the evil driver.
As luck would have it, Fortune presented a solution to this impossible riddle of mine, in the guise of a small, gravel path off to the side of the main roads; I might never have noticed this route, were it not for the predicament I thus found myself mired in. Knowing not which way the path led, I followed it with not much more than a vague hope and a vaguer sense of being in pursuit of what may have been something approaching the right direction.
Several miles later, I found U.S. Route 1. Oops, turn around, ride ride ride ride ride, BAM: Princeton University, next right. Thank you random road sign for saving my life. The bike definitely did not look brand new anymore, after this little adventure.
I hate Walmart.
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Reading too much Edgar Allan Poe too fast will fuck you up.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
10 Easy Steps to Growing Up
Step 1:
Nice suit.
This one is actually not that hard to accomplish, and will earn continual dividends for you over the years. A good suit automatically affords you some style, elegance, class, and charm. If you're color coordinated, so much the better; a good shirt, stylish tie, and matching shoes will put you quite far along down the road to success.
All it takes to acquire a fitting piece for your wardrobe is some time, a little patience, some comparison shopping, and a good chunk of change (be prepared to spend at least $200, but you'd be better off at around $300 usually, or $400 if you just happen to fall in love with a piece). Be sure to try on as many suits as you can at each store, and make sure the fit is good for your physique. Each designer has a different size template, so 40R does not always mean 40R. Also, if you don't know your measurements yet, make sure you get yourself measured at the first respectable suit shop you visit (I know suit shop isn't the technical term, cut me some slack... get it slacks? oh God please don't let me do stand up any time soon).
Find a color that matches your skin tones, and that expresses a little something about your sense of style or your personality. Beware of overly gaudy or flashy pieces, no matter how fancy they might be. Pinstripes are cool, only if you can pull them off. And if you have to pause and think about it, then you probably can't. White suits are reserved for movie stars and Kanye West; I have never seen a normal person wear an all-white suit and look good. Greys and browns may work for you, but beware of looking too old-fashioned or boring. Black is always in style, but don't get anything too formal or stiff. The cut of a suit is also important, as a more stylish, slimmer, fitted cut can give off an air of... whatever it is that cool people give off an air of.
Keep in mind some rules about wearing suits:
1) NEVER button the bottom button. This applies to two-button as well as three-button suits.
2) Ties should have something in common with the suit or shirt. Complementary or matching, should be one or the other.
3) Black pants, black belt. Wear a brown belt with black pants, and be prepared to face the consequences. Specifically, the world will end. I'm not kidding. Please don't try it.
4) Black suit, white shirt, black shoes, and conservative tie for job interviews. If you don't know what a job interview is, don't worry about it. In fact, save yourself the money for buying a suit, you won't need it. Go buy yourself a nice trailer home.
Next time, Step 2:
Social Skills
-------------
Do I have any idea what I'm talking about? God no. But we'll see where my advice gets me at Princeton.
(fingers crossed)
Nice suit.
This one is actually not that hard to accomplish, and will earn continual dividends for you over the years. A good suit automatically affords you some style, elegance, class, and charm. If you're color coordinated, so much the better; a good shirt, stylish tie, and matching shoes will put you quite far along down the road to success.
All it takes to acquire a fitting piece for your wardrobe is some time, a little patience, some comparison shopping, and a good chunk of change (be prepared to spend at least $200, but you'd be better off at around $300 usually, or $400 if you just happen to fall in love with a piece). Be sure to try on as many suits as you can at each store, and make sure the fit is good for your physique. Each designer has a different size template, so 40R does not always mean 40R. Also, if you don't know your measurements yet, make sure you get yourself measured at the first respectable suit shop you visit (I know suit shop isn't the technical term, cut me some slack... get it slacks? oh God please don't let me do stand up any time soon).
Find a color that matches your skin tones, and that expresses a little something about your sense of style or your personality. Beware of overly gaudy or flashy pieces, no matter how fancy they might be. Pinstripes are cool, only if you can pull them off. And if you have to pause and think about it, then you probably can't. White suits are reserved for movie stars and Kanye West; I have never seen a normal person wear an all-white suit and look good. Greys and browns may work for you, but beware of looking too old-fashioned or boring. Black is always in style, but don't get anything too formal or stiff. The cut of a suit is also important, as a more stylish, slimmer, fitted cut can give off an air of... whatever it is that cool people give off an air of.
Keep in mind some rules about wearing suits:
1) NEVER button the bottom button. This applies to two-button as well as three-button suits.
2) Ties should have something in common with the suit or shirt. Complementary or matching, should be one or the other.
3) Black pants, black belt. Wear a brown belt with black pants, and be prepared to face the consequences. Specifically, the world will end. I'm not kidding. Please don't try it.
4) Black suit, white shirt, black shoes, and conservative tie for job interviews. If you don't know what a job interview is, don't worry about it. In fact, save yourself the money for buying a suit, you won't need it. Go buy yourself a nice trailer home.
Next time, Step 2:
Social Skills
-------------
Do I have any idea what I'm talking about? God no. But we'll see where my advice gets me at Princeton.
(fingers crossed)
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