My Long, Tormented Journey

To commemorate the milestone I achieved today, I've decided to chronicle for you, very briefly, the details of my long, tormented journey through the bowels of online poker hell...

Midnight, 11/12/2006: I turn 18.

15 minutes later: I deposit $200 onto Bodog, using their checking account deposit service.

About 1 week later: I deposit another $300 onto Bodog, after already having lost the first $200.

Late-November: After haggling with a Neteller customer service rep for about 10 minutes, I set up an online account to transfer money from my bank account, through Neteller, to other poker sites (besides just Bodog, which at this point, I have decided is rigged). I have also withdrawn the $200 remaining in my Bodog account back into my bank account. Net total: -$300.

2 minutes later: I deposit $600 onto FullTilt Poker, in order to collect the 100% bonus (up to a maximum of $600), which the site gives to new players. By a conservative estimate, I need to play about 24,000 hands of poker to earn all of this $600 bonus.

About 2 days later: I have a local maxima of $940 in my account, after winning about $300 in the first 2 days after I deposited. At this point, I've earned back the money I lost on Bodog, and look to be on my way to a successful poker career. Note, I'm playing mostly $0.25/$0.50 NLHE (no limit hold'em) full ring games, and $10+1 STT SNG (single-table tournament, sit'n go's). Net total: +$40.

A month later, in mid-December: After that initial streak of wins at $0.25/$0.50 NLHE, I get a little greedy, start playing 4 tables simultaneously, and also venture into other games, like $2/$4 PL Omaha, $4/$8 Stud, $4/$8 Stud H/L, and $4/$8 Razz. After losing a few hundred dollars at these games, I move down to the $2/$4 limits, and continue to lose. By the day after Christmas, I have exactly $86.45 in my account. This represents a total loss of: -$813.55. Meanwhile, I loaned $40 to Mike G., and in the span of about 2 weeks, watched him make a profit of $700. Jesus hates me. Net total: -$813.55.

Fast forward, late-February: For some strange reason, I've refound my footing at this point, and am hovering around $600 in my account. By now, the original bonus of $600 is completely gone, meaning that had I been playing without it, I would be broke. From winter break, I've been playing almost exclusively $.15/$.30 NLHE 6-max deep tables (meaning you can buy in for 200 times the big blind, i.e. $60, instead of the usual 100 BB). Also, I've finally managed to get "good" at the $10+1 STT SNGs, and begin to actually show a net profit from those. Also, I was forced to deposit another $100 solely for identity/account verification purposes. I also withdrew $100 of winnings during this period. Net total: -$300.

Mid-March: I get a random email from FullTilt Poker, which says I've qualified for a new $300 bonus, but that I only have 14 days to earn it. I decide to play 4 tables of $0.25/$0.50 NLHE full ring, to try and earn the bonus as quickly as possible. After some experimentation, I realize I need to play about 16000-17000 hands at this level for me to earn the bonus. Given the time restraint of 2 weeks, this is deemed impossible unless I play about 4 hours every day... With no other choice, I decide to jump up to $0.50/$1.00 NLHE, and play 4 tables. This means putting most of my bankroll ($400 of my $600) into play. I've also moved up to playing the $20+2 STT SNGs, and they seem easier to beat than the $10+1 tourneys. And surprisingly, I don't lose.

2 weeks later: Because of the interruption of Spring Break, I am unable to earn all of my $300 bonus, and only manage to earn about $180. Still, at the end of the 14-day bonus period, I find myself with roughly $800 sitting in my account. Net total: +$0 (or, -$0, if your glass is feeling half-empty).

Present-day: Deciding that I've improved enough (based on the latest run during my bonus collection), I settle down to playing $0.50/$1.00 NLHE exclusively, with the occasional $20+2 SNG thrown in for variety. In fact, I earn about $300 from these SNGs. I also seem to have figured this cash game business out, and go on an incredible winning streak that is so far still holding up. Right now, I have $1,832 in my account. Net total: +$1,032.

That's right.

I have earned an overall profit of $1,032 for my last 5 months playing poker. And it was fucking painful. In fact, that $1,000 has come entirely within the last 2-3 weeks...

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Live update: Playing the $11K guarantee on FullTilt, I just busted out, holding QQ. Villain in MP min-raises to 240, I raise the size of the pot for a total of 900 back to him, and he calls. Flop J-7-6, all spades, and Villain open-pushes all-in. I call, holding the Q of spades, and wondering what the hell is going on. Villain flips up 2-3 of spades... I miss my redraw outs.

Here's to donks (myself included at times). Cheers.